“Maybe instead of asking how our parents are feeling about us looking for our donors, I would probably prefer being asked, “How am I feeling about looking for my donor? Because, really, it’s not about my parents.”
Chloe Allworthy is an Australian donor-conceived adult who has known about her genetic origins since she was 7 years old. As an adult, Chloe became interested in finding her donor, and despite a difficult and challenging two year search campaign, was finally successful in 2016. Chloe’s biological father’s family welcomed her immediately, and she now has regular contact. Chloe has 14 half-siblings, 4 of whom are her donor’s children, and despite having contact with several of her 14 donor siblings, 8 are yet to be found.
An activist for donor-conceived people
As a result of some of her experiences growing up, Chloe is what you might call, a ‘donor-conceived activist’. Together with many other donor-conceived people, Chloe would like to see change in the industry to ensure future generations do not repeat the mistakes – and resulting trauma – that continue to play out in many donor-conceived people’s lives today.
For instance, Chloe feels strongly that one of the critical elements we need to say good-bye to is anonymity. While the Australian government agree with her and have made choosing an anonymous sperm (and egg and embryo) donor illegal in Australia, people still head overseas to take part in ‘fertility tourism’. And unfortunately, many countries around the world still use anonymous donors. In some countries, anonymity is the only option available.
Chloe has this to say to men considering sperm donation:
“If you want to donate anonymously, then you shouldn’t be a donor. I think every donor needs to understand that there will be a living, breathing, human being created from your sperm or egg donation. And people need to be prepared that DNA testing is widely used around the world, and its getting cheaper and cheaper. More people are accessing it [DNA testing] and uploading their DNA. So donors can’t be anonymous anymore.”
Educating yourself about your donor-conceived child’s (or adult), needs
There is considerable variation observed in donor-conceived people regarding the importance placed on their biological parent and their siblings, however, without information, people are deprived of that choice. As Chloe explains: “It’s really important for people to be educated on the fact that it’s okay to want to know where we’ve come from. And honestly, it’s just exhausting having to constantly battle with random people who don’t believe we should have this information. It’s a basic human right. It blows my mind, and I’ve been dealing with people telling me that I shouldn’t have this for years now. And it still hurts me; it still upsets me greatly to know that people are just not understanding of this.”
Chloe’s parents were open about the details of her conception. Unfortunately, this is not always the case and there are literally thousands and thousands of donor-conceived people in Australia (and around the world) who are unaware of their biological origins. The issues of anonymity and secrecy are just two of the problems facing donor-conceived people today, and are what drives Chloe, an articulate and down-to-earth donor-conceived adult, to strive for change in the industry.
What are the 9 things donor-conceived people don’t want to hear?
As is common for many people who openly share their unique, lived experience with others, unwelcome and uninformed comments or advice can come back their way (confession time – I’m guilty of Number 7!). And there’s a consistency around those comments, which Chloe, and other donor-conceived people find, well… exhausting.
Here are 9 common things that donor-conceived people repeatedly hear from ‘well-intentioned’ people:
1. Your donor is not your biological father.
2. You should feel grateful to be alive.
3. You were wanted and so loved.
4. I don’t see how having a sperm donor is any different than having a one-night stand.
5. I can see why you would want medical history, but any more than that… I just don’t understand?
6. Biology doesn’t matter; the donor owes you nothing.
7. How do your parents feel about you looking for your donor? Or about finding your donor, or knowing your donor?
8. Donating sperm, eggs or embryos… It’s the same as donating blood!
9. My child is well adjusted and positive about being donor-conceived.
Chloe’s video, and the ‘why’ explained…
So rather than me, a donor-conceived recipient, explain to you why these questions and comments are frustrating, insulting and wearing, I’ll let Chloe tell you.
Click here for a must watch (and listen!) experience, while Chloe shares her thoughts on these 9 things that plague her, and many other donor-conceived people.
And perhaps, more importantly, receive some sage advice on what you can do differently to help create positive change in the lives of donor-conceived people.
Did you enjoy this post? I’d love to hear from you.
