* Note: all names have been changed to protect the individuals’ privacy.
Back in the ’70s when feminists were dissing pinafores and donning protest banners, and donor sperm was for ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ couples only, physicians selected the sperm donors (which, in many cases, included their benevolent selves) on behalf of their customers.
And as long as the donor had similar characteristics to the husband’s, everyone was happy.
Why the secrecy?
And as you may have guessed, donor conception in the ‘70s was shrouded in a thick layer of secrecy (and still is today in many cases, but that’s another story).
Let me explain…
Before human sperm cryopreservation (freezing) became a viable option, people donated fresh sperm at the local doctor’s clinic in what effectively amounted to a cottage industry. The donors’ identities were kept under wraps (otherwise the recipients may have figured out later that their donor was the guy who lived three streets over). And the doctor would choose a donor, where possible, with similar characteristics to the husband to make sure no one ‘in the village’ worked it out.
Mr. and Mrs. married couple were advised to sweep their little secret under the rug, then lock that troublesome tapestry in the downstairs cupboard. And while this clandestine operation was, in all likelihood undertaken with the best intentions, today’s donor-conceived adults tell us it was profoundly misguided.
The creation of donor profiles
The ability to freeze sperm, on the other hand, opened up the opportunity for ‘big business’ sperm banks to market their ‘product’ over a greater geographical distance – including overseas – and the risk of recipients identifying a donor was greatly reduced.
Furthermore, with the transformation in customer demographics from heterosexual couples to singles and same-sex couples, people were demanding more information about their donor, and the concept of ‘donor profiles’ was launched.
So how do prospective donor recipients go about perusing donor profiles in today’s burgeoning world of fertility clinics and sperm banks?
And is it still important in the current climate to choose a donor that resembles you (or your partner)?
What is ‘identity’?
Before we answer those questions, it’s important to look at the concept of ‘identity’.
Jamie* is a donor-conceived man who was left devastated after finding out about his conception. “When I was twenty-seven, I found out my parents had been deceiving me my whole life. My sense of who I was, my identity, the trust… basically just kind of fell over. I was a complete mess.”
So what is identity and how is it created?
The construction of an individual’s identity begins at birth, and is an evolving process that continues for life. The development of one’s identity defines who we are to others and to ourselves, and is fundamental to our sense of belonging, feeling secure and fitting in. As we experience different elements of life, our identity is influenced by a multitude of inputs such as culture, loved ones, experiences, deeds done to self and others, choices made and, of course, genetics.
But what if part of our identity is hidden from us?
Mai* is a donor-conceived woman whose parents hid the details of her conception from her, and believes that physical resemblance is only one element of many that make up a child’s identity. “If anything, knowing that my parents chose a donor that looked just like them… makes me feel like that part of me is trying so hard to be hidden or erased by my parents. When what I really want is for them to love and embrace ALL of me, including the parts that aren’t sourced by them.”
Donor-conceived woman, Greta*, believes that a person’s identity should not be covered up in the donor selection process. “It seems like a double edged sword to me. I get concerned when I think of someone who might choose a donor who looks like them as an attempt to somehow cover that part of the child’s identity, or make the loss feel less. I understand that the latter is done as a kindness, but the loss is still the loss and the biological parent is still a stranger [in many cases], even if you end up looking like your raising parent.”
Gemma*, an American donor-conceived adult expresses a different sentiment and describes how she felt growing up. “The women on my mother’s side are petite and curvy, and my older half-sister always teased me about being tall and muscular.” When Gemma discovered her donor’s identity, it made a lot more sense. “I don’t care for him personally – I’m in contact to maintain contact with my younger siblings – but just knowing who he is and his personality traits filled out a part of me missing for a long time. It is a lonely and confusing feeling not to look like the other people in your family.”
Openness and honesty
But what about people who wish to be open and honest with their children? What of the parents who intend to share the details of their conception with their child, where all available details of the donor are shared (and potentially contact made at some stage), and conversations of any nature are open for discussion?
Does the selection of a donor with a physical resemblance contribute to a child’s identity and sense of self in this scenario?
Donor-conceived woman, Mai*, suggests that the concept of selecting a donor who resembles your parents probably comes down to intent. “I do think it’s fine to choose a donor that shares some resemblance – it’s not a bad thing. BUT, it shouldn’t be used to mask the child’s identity, and certainly not to hide it from them. And it shouldn’t be viewed as a reason to believe that the child would feel less inclined to want to know the actual source of their features.”
Donor recipient, Karen*, has two teenage children and suggests that openness and honesty is the only way when it comes to donor conception. “My kids haven’t met the donor yet, but we do have pictures of him and an audio file. We also catch up with several of their half-siblings regularly and some of the resemblances between the kids and the donor are uncanny. They’ve all got the same jawline and dark brown eyes – and a few other things – and they seem to like [the fact] that they look like a family.”
Is it okay to choose a donor of a different race?
Irrespective of the type of donor (e.g. known, fertility-clinic recruited, etc), what might be the outcomes when you choose a donor of a different race to yourself or your partner?
The issue of race is, of course, highly sensitive and despite our best efforts (in most cases) to shift the status quo, society generally gets caught up with placing people in rigidly-defined boxes with bright, sticky labels that outline people’s ethnic heritage. Much research has been done about interracial adoptees; but what about donor-conceived people who are a different race from their parents, or parent? Does it work?
Olivia*, a single, white American donor recipient chose a Dominican sperm donor. “I’m not at all sure I did a good job considering all the implications, but I’m making a strong effort from an early age to give them a good sense of all their heritage. We live in a very racially diverse neighbourhood with many mixed race families, and no one has ever mentioned a thing.” Olivia’s children are young and there are currently no issues, but she does have some trepidation about the future. “On the other hand, the US isn’t exactly post-racial [a society where racial prejudice and discrimination no longer exist] anywhere, and we’ll probably face issues I have yet to imagine.”
Alison*, a donor recipient whose child was conceived in the 90s, has discussed the issue of interracial donors with many other donor recipient parents over the years. “Unless it is a bi-racial couple raising a bi-racial child, the whole family will continuously get ‘adopted’ questions. In some circumstances they will have more paperwork to produce, or questions if they travel, especially overseas.” And Alison points out another issue that can be unpleasant for adolescents when you choose a donor of a different race. “Worst of all a teenage daughter with a different race father may face some very wrong assumptions about their relationship.”
American donor-conceived adult, Greta*, agrees with this sentiment. “I also get concerned when someone chooses a donor who is a race other than their own, given the vast amount of literature and education out there on how interracial adoptees feel and how they wish they’d been treated. I can see where it could seem very anti-racist to go this route when making the decision, but… in the end it seems like an ignorant lack of research on the part of the one who chooses such a donor, a risk,” says Greta, “whose weight falls on the child more than the parent.”
Might selecting an interracial donor work in certain circumstances?
Donor-conceived woman, Mai, suggests that certain elements would need to be in place for people who choose a donor of a different race. “Sensitivity and thoughtfulness around what it means to raise a child from a different background”, says Mai, “would, I think, be very important if going that route.
Helen* and Katrina* are a white Australian couple who chose a known donor of Sri Lankan descent. “We asked a friend of mine, Shaun*, to be a donor”, explains Helen, “and he is quite dark-skinned. Our kids still look a bit like my wife – she’s the biological mother of both [children] – but they both have very dark skin compared to us.” Helen feels that this is not an issue. “Shaun doesn’t live near us, but the kids get to see him a couple of times a year. They know who he is and understand that he helped us to ‘create’ them.” Helen goes on to explain that they’ve also done quite a bit of research on Sri Lankan customs and traditions. “ We want to make sure the kids have a good sense of who they are and where they came from. I think that’s really important, especially for when they get older.”
And are there other scenarios where selecting an interracial donor might work successfully? For instance, the person who has a child of different ethnicity to themselves from a previous relationship, and who wishes to have a second child? Or the parent/s who is biracial and wishes to have a biracial child, yet the selected donor does not share exactly the same ethnicities as them?
And what if there is no alternative?
Kristina*, a mixed-race woman, is still struggling with her decision to choose a donor. “This totally stresses me out,” says Kristina. “In the beginning I didn’t care what my donor looked like. However, I started wondering how my child would feel about his or her identity if he or she were a race my husband and I know nothing about.” Kristina subsequently did some exploration into the subject and changed her mind. “But then I read so much research on how it can often really injure the child, and lots of personal stories from donor-conceived children who felt out of place their whole life. So that changed my mind. But I can barely find any donors in the bank I’m using that I’m drawn to, thus finding a half Chinese one is nearly impossible. Then … I start wondering. How would my child feel if he or she were half Korean? Japanese? Filipino? How close is close enough?”
Genetic mirroring
The other day I dragged my donor-conceived daughter through the supermarket (not literally) and when we got to the checkout, the woman said, “Wow, I can’t believe how much your daughter looks like you!” My daughter hears this repeatedly.
Genetic mirroring is subtle, and begins the moment we are born. Studies show that newborns will search around and look for their birth parent’s face first. This then extends to both parents (if relevant), extended family, friends and so on. The child will then learn to talk by watching and mimicking their parents; they will learn to read the subtle nuances of body language and facial expressions through their parents, and will know the curves and contours of their parents’ faces intimately.
So later on, when the child looks in the mirror, they seek to find the same shapes and contours in their own face. “Oh! I’ve got this parent’s nose, that parent’s eyebrows…” And the people around them will actively look for these things and tell the child as well.
Of course, not everyone looks like their parents – or their siblings – but the child or adult will still express curiosity and speculation: “I wonder where I got my pointy chin from – perhaps it was from a great grandparent?” Why? Because it’s instinctive, it makes him feel safe and comfortable, and these similar characteristics form part of their identity.
Harriet*, a donor-conceived woman, who discovered her origins as an adult, felt a strong desire to find out what her donor looked like. “Ethnically and physically, my biological father and my Dad are similar enough that it’s not obvious I’m not biologically related to Dad. But I still felt a keen desire to know the face of my biological father.” Harriet goes on to explain her feelings about the importance of resemblance and how it relates to family. “It might raise less questions if you look like the donor you choose, but I suspect it’s somewhat irrelevant to the donor-conceived person,” says Harriet. “Looking like your family doesn’t make you more of a family than someone who doesn’t look like their family.”
What happens when genetic mirroring is lost?
So what do children see in the mirror when they look nothing like their parents? And how does this impact donor-conceived children when they look different to their parent/s, or where one biological parent (or both in the case of embryo donation) is absent and no donor pictures are available?
Donor-conceived woman, Anja*, grew up hearing she had her father’s eyes from every well-intentioned person she met. “It makes me queasy to think about that now; me, as a little girl, being complimented on my physical appearance in the presence of my Dad, who of course knew I had my father’s eyes, but he was not my father. I look enough like him that I never questioned it. You see what you expect to see. Finding my biological family blew my mind. I realised I never looked like anyone.”
And while some people believe that using a donor who looks different to you can be done successfully, if appropriate research is undertaken and all aspects are considered carefully, donor recipient, Alison disagrees. Alison believes you are not doing your child any favours if you choose an ethnicity or look too different from your own family. “For the child themselves, if they grow up in a family and community which is a different race, everyone they see is different to them. Every comment they hear about attractiveness is about a different type of feature. Some kids look in the mirror and feel their own face doesn’t fit because it matches no-one they see. Obviously the more multicultural the community, the less that is an issue. But kids still want to see resemblances to other people in their own families.”
Donor recipient, Karen, used a sperm and an egg donor and still gets comments that her children look like her. “Other than having pale skin, my children don’t really look like me. I have very dark, curly hair with brown eyes, and both my children have fair hair with green eyes.” Karen explains, “The reality is that people want to see something in a child that mirrors the parent [or parents], so people still make comparisons.”
And Karen points out that there’s still the ‘nature versus nurture’ aspect to consider within families. “My children do resemble me in many ways when it comes to behaviours and speech, for example. And when my children say things about their appearance like, ‘We have the same skin, Mum’, I respond with, ‘Yes, we have similar skin colour’, rather than, ‘Yes, you take after me.’ They know I used two donors, and they know I’m their mother. We have contact with some of their half-siblings and they have photos of their donors. The conversation is always open and they are creating their identities using all the available information we have.”
What then, is the answer to the question of donor resemblance?
I think it’s fair to say the answer is not cut and dried, but rather a proposition with a wide range of complex variables to consider. And there are certainly varied views on the matter.
Perhaps, as donor-conceived woman, Mai*, suggests, the answer to this complicated question comes down to intent. For instance, are you intending to keep your child’s conception a secret, or are you choosing openness? Are you considering all of the available options when it comes to selecting a donor (or donors), or are you just careening blindly towards the much-hoped-for final destination?
Perhaps the most important question of all is… When you make your selection, what might be the potential consequences for the only person who does not get a say in the decision-making process?
Join in the Conversation on Facebook
Have you had an experience you’d like to share? What were the outcomes?
Join Donor Conception and Beyond on Facebook or Instagram and share your story, ask questions, chat with like-minded people…
References
